A Partial List of My Biggest Deal Breakers

Spawn of Satan

Dances too well

Says "Shuh-WHEET!!" instead of "Sweet!"

Says "Sweet!"

Shoe fetish*

Foot fetish**

Poo fetish***

Murders me

Refuses to stand for national anthem

Goads others into standing for national anthem

Cats****

Says he wants to "put a baby in" me

Architect glasses

Baby doll collection

Collection of automatic weapons*****

Puppy fur coat a la "101 Dalmations"

Any kind of fur coat or clothing******

Bad at surfing

Too good at surfing

Watches reality TV*******

Watches reality TV "ironically"********

Rapist

Worries about being "too pale"

Tells me I'm "too pale"

Tells me I'm "too dark"

Angrily blames coaches of professional sports teams for rare, minor losses

Lies to kids*********

Suicide bomber

Republicanism

Genital herpes

Ferrets

Calls me the C-word ("cute")

Hats

Sex dungeon

Dungeons of any kind in the home or workplace

Meanness (in both the old and the current sense)

Illegal drug use

Use of chloroform for any purpose**********

Lies about being a non-human humanoid, either to say he isn't one when he is, or to say he is one when he isn't***********

Hates that I don't have a job

Loves that I don't have a job

Washes hands fewer than 15 times per day************

Lives in a sewer*************

Booger eater

Hedge fund manager

Makes me pay for his horse ranch, then uses it to pick up women

Owns a Bedazzler but won't let me use it

"Villagey teeth"

Hates me

Cannibal

Ryan Lochte**************

Offers me a job in his parents' stationery store in Israel***************

Insists that morality and agnosticism are mutually exclusive

Can't grow a beard

Too much beard

Says "never mind" in an exasperated tone instead of explaining himself

Popcorn breath

Corpse

* If you can afford to buy the shoes, an exception can be made.
**  If you know a podiatrist who can fix my Weird Toe, an exception can be made.
*** Ha ha ha no way in hell.
**** If you own several hundred acres of virgin tropical rain forest on which a variety of species of so-called "big cats" live, then so be it, an exception can be made.
***** In event of a zombie apocalypse, an exception can be made.
****** An exception can be made for a sexy Russians in a fur hat, assuming he isn't a scary gangster Russian with gulag tattoos.
******* Okay, one or two is fine, depending on what they are.
******** Yeah, seriously, none of this shit.
********* I will cut you so hard for this.
********** Yes, even for gluing together sheets of acrylic. Why are you doing that, anyway?
*********** I would probably put up with this in the rare event that someone is a super duper duper hot and sexy human or non-human humanoid.
************ I am dead serious about this do not even try me.
************* An exception can be made for a genuine, honest-to-God mole-person, provided he has had all of his shots.
************** Seriously. No.
*************** This actually happened to me once on a first--and last--date.