Last Year's One-Year Goals

A few days ago, I was thinking about the eight weeks of therapy I went through a little over a year ago, when I remembered with a jolt that the therapist had had me write out a page of one-year goals. When I remembered it, I was actually afraid to dig it up--I haven't looked at that list since I quit therapy in March 2012. I've since found it, but I still haven't read it because I thought it would be weird/painful/fun to peruse it here, live-ish, on my blog, so you can witness the horror of my reaction to it, semi-first-hand.

Okay. I've got the paper right here, and I'm flipping it over...

"I want to establish a routine of things I do every day by habit. There could be a bare minimum set of activities to practice, for a minimum set time (in some cases), and on particular days, perhaps I could delve deeper into certain things. The list could include activities like: yoga, 2 mile walk, min. 20 minutes of language study, music practice (maybe piano & voice every day, then rotating other instruments through the week), fiction reading, non-fiction reading & writing.

Ugh. I remember I made up this very precise schedule, and I was actually following it at about 85% from the get-go. I went back to the therapist and said how wonderful it was to actually have a set time to practice piano so that I didn't feel like I ought to be doing something "more important." For some reason this made her mad, and she tried to get me to cut out the "excessive things" that were making me happy and do only a few things in four-hour chunks. She didn't get it, and she managed to discourage the hell out of me, and I dropped the schedule. Nowadays, I have a schedule for taking care of the puppies, and I try to fit my studies and creative pursuits into their nap times, but I'm not studying languages or practicing piano or any of that "excessive" stuff that I wish I had kept up with.

"I would like to enter at least one writing contest before the end of 2012. I would also like to figure out how to write articles and get paid for them."

Nope. I've been burnt out on fiction for a while. I think it just reminds me that I'm not doing anything "real" with my life. And I definitely still haven't figured out the first thing about getting paid to write.

"I would like to continue networking on the Internet and find some kind of "real life" situation in which to communicate with people "like me." (I'm most reluctant and unmotivated to do this one. I almost hate to list it as a goal.)

I have about 10 times as many followers on Twitter now as I did when I listed these goals, but I can't say that any of the connections I've made have proven useful beyond keeping me off the rock bottom of loneliness. And "real life" connections? Forget about it.

"I would like to have zero dairy in my diet by the end of 2012 and to work in new foods that contain certain nutrients I may have been/ be missing, in a more balanced way."

Figuring out that I'm lactose intolerant was probably the biggest revelation of 2012. I'd tried giving up dairy before, but I didn't realize it would take a couple months without it combined with cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety before I started feeling noticeably better. I still don't believe I'm lactose intolerant sometimes, and I'll buy a pint of ice cream and have to re-remember, "Oh, yeah, this is lactose intolerance." I'm not completely dairy-free, but I've been working on it, and it's been going well.

"I want to work through several logic and rhetoric books and better develop my ability to generate and support arguments in order to be truthfully persuasive both in person and on paper."

The shrink thought this one was really dumb and not worthwhile at all. God, what a bully.

"I want to begin studying film seriously. I would like to develop a list of subjects to study and find the best books on each topic. I would also like to watch more movies again in a studious way and begin making small films, if only to practice things like lighting & sound."

I've been making dumb little videos and posting them to YouTube, but I still haven't bought a video camera (one that's separate from my computer) or begun studying film seriously. I'm burnt out on the idea of becoming a Hollywood director--it seems like too much bother, just to be the tiniest cog in something enormous that gets taken away from you--but I still think it would be cool to get good at making movies on a smaller scale.

"I want to devote more effort to becoming fit in a tough, I-can-take-on-anything way."

A lifelong dream. I've been working on it in baby steps, which is better than nothing?

"I want to finish decorating my rooms and purge anything I no longer want to own, even things I'd feel guilty about giving away."

Ha! I just wrote about this recently. As for the decorating, there are about half a dozen things I'd like to spend a few thousand dollars on, but if I do all of them, I'll go broke. I have no idea how to prioritize them. What will help me most? Having a nice bedroom? Having new clothes? Taking a small vacation? Getting my antique posters restored? Taking voice lessons? Hiring a personal trainer to help me get healthy? More therapy?

And that's it! This wasn't horrible, or embarrassing--only mildly depressing. I could take on most of these goals just by getting back into my schedule--there's no reason I can't do it despite the therapist's criticism. I mean, I quit therapy for a reason. (The therapist was irrationally mean to me, being super-encouraging at first and telling me I could do all the things I wanted to do, that my goals were realistic, and then out of nowhere, yelling at me that I could only do one or two things, and discouraging me. It was weird.)

And the puppies are awake now! Life goes on.